The Contender

The Contender

The Contender

Sex Scandal Bracket
Jim McGreevy: Friday Night Specials

Jim McGreevy won the governorship of New Jersey with 56% of the vote. A young, energetic father of two had the reputation of a real team player.

This might have something to do with the “consensual sex orgies” he engaged in with his male driver and his wife. The trysts, which the trio dubbed Friday Night Specials would begin with drinks at a local TGI Fridays before devolving into a sticky mess of any-hole-will-do debauchery.

This is not the scandal that sunk him, however. As Governor, McGreevy admitted an affair with a male member of his staff who he later made Homeland Security advisor without the right qualifications. McGreevy resigned in a news conference where he came out as a “Gay American” to cheers from the press.

His wife divorced him, claiming she had no clue he was gay. Apparently the bi-sexual free for all was not enough of a sign that her husband intended to take the long way ‘round the Kinsey scale.

FDR: Newport Scandal

The year was 1919 and a popular way a gay Rhode Islander could meet, unwind, bang and share laughs with like minded folk was to head to the Army and Navy YMCA or the Newport Art Club. Unfortunately, this got back to the military types in the Navy town. They cooked up a plan to smoke out the homosexual element: recruit sexy young sailors to head into these dens of sin and nail these perps. Which they did, bringing back graphic reports.

The Navy court marshalled 17 men. But the trial caused a national controversy when the public discovered their plan to entrap the sailers with willing military-grade fuck machines on orders to bang their way to the truth. This led to resignations of the Assistant Secretaries who authorized the sting, one of whom was Franklin Delano Roosevelt. His first act as a civilian was to accept the Democratic party’s nomination for Vice President.

In the parlance of the era, FDR pulled quite a boner.

Larry Craig: Wide Stance

Larry Craig, then a Republican senator from Idaho, found himself in the crosshairs of a public indecency sting in a reported Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport gay cruising hot spot. The officer sat in a stall and observed Craig peeking through the crack, sliding his foot under the partition, tapping his foot on the officer’s shoe and then reaching his hand under to try and make contact.

All he got in return was a police identification.

Craig claimed their feet touched because he was a “wide guy” when it came to his pee stance. After the arrest became public and more men came forward with tales of intimacy about Craig the Idaho Senator responded thusly to a reporter: "I'm not gay, and I don't cruise, and I don't hit on men. [...] I don't go around anywhere hitting on men, and by God, if I did, I wouldn't do it in Boise, Idaho! Jiminy!"

Or maybe we just found out that it is not I-da-hoe or U-da-hoe after all, no… it is Larry Craig who is the hoe. Jiminy.

James Buchanan: Miss Nancy and Aunt Fancy

The 13th Vice President of the United States was a Senator from Alabama and a Minister to France and a lifelong heterosexual celibate. Well… two out of three ain’t bad. King served as veep in 1853 to Franklin Pierce but was rumored around Washington to be an item with… future President James Buchanan. The two lived together and adopted each others mannerisms, according to friends. They planned to run as President and Vice President together in 1844.

When King moved to France to become the American ambassador, Buchanan wrote to a confidante.

“I am now ‘solitary and alone’. I have gone a wooing to several gentlemen, but have not succeeded with any one of them. I feel that it is not good for man to be alone; and should not be astonished to find myself married to some old maid who can... not expect from me any very ardent or romantic affection.”

While nothing erupted in public shame, the two were famously nicknamed by Andrew Jackson “Miss Nancy and Aunt Fancy”.

New Media
Anthony Weiner: Dick Pic

Connected to the Clinton machine through his wife Huma Abedin, the House Rep from New York had a glaring bright future. As fate would have it, the future was far grayer for Weiner. Also gray was the color of his boxer briefs, the ones that stretched to contain his bulging donger in a picture he publicly posted on his Twitter account. This became the first recorded instance of a sex scandal spawned by a DM fail.

After resigning and appearing amply apologetic for his wandering wang, Weiner ran for mayor of New York City. Only to have that derailed by still more allegations of sexting. Though this time, he did it under pseudonym Carlos Danger. No one was fooled.

Not one to learn his lesson, Weiner got popped a third time in 2016 when he was caught sexting a 15-year-old. This led to an FBI investigation. Which led to his laptop he shared with his wife being seized. The same wife who worked with Hillary Clinton in the state department and was currently part of her campaign. Which led to the FBI to reopen a closed investigation into Hillary’s private email server. According to election data journalist Nate Silver, this was the decisive turning point in a very, very close election.

By the numbers, Carlos Danger and his devious dick got Donald Trump elected.

Eliot Spitzer: Client Number Nine

Eliot Spitzer fought for the little guy, making the powerful on Wall Street pay the price for their greedy indiscretions as Attorney General of New York State. It was a reputation he took the state house in Albany when was elected governor in 2007. A reputation he’d soon tarnish when he eventually paid a terrible price for his own greedy indiscretions.

Specifically, Spitzer got busted arranging a paid fuck appointment with a 22-year-old aspiring pop star to the tune of $4,300 in cash.

Spitzer got caught in a wiretapping investigation for the Emperor’s Club VIP escort service, a high priced call girl service where Spitzer allegedly wanted to pay $10,000 for future trysts. Fearing that the $10k transaction would have to be reported, Spitzer got cold feet and tried to call the bank to cancel the transfer. This led the bank to believe to Spitzer was being extorted, so they called the IRS to investigate, only to uncover Spitzer’s pay for play habit.

His code name in the investigation was Client Number Nine, but his aptitude for a self-own was a perfect 10.

Mark Foley: Screen Name Skeezer

Florida Republican congressman Mark Foley is likely the kind of guy who thinks his computer is broken when the monitor is turned off. How else would you explain him attempting to solicit sex from congressional pages by way of the verifiable and easily replicated emails and instant messages?

The representative from Sarasota greasily slid into the IMs of several current and ex-pages with his username “Maf54” inquiring, among other things, about the length and direction of one man’s penis. When shown proof of the exchanges Foley resigned, something many suspect was the reason Democrats took back congress in 2006.

Age/Sex/Location? More like Age/Sex/Resignation...

Chris Lee: Casual Encounter

So you’re a second term congressman from Buffalo and your lonely heart yearns to stray. There are plenty of tried and true methods to assuage your illicit fix. One option, on the riskier side, would be to respond to a woman posting on the “Women for Men” section of Craigslist with your real name and a real picture of yourself shirtless and flexing. You might even think you could cover your tracks by saying you weren’t a congressman from the Land of Beef on Weck but rather a divorced DC lobbyist.

You’d be wrong. And your name would be Chris Lee.

Lee’s lie was lanced by the villainous Google, which his would-be conquest used to search his name bringing up a picture of his face revealing his true identity. She then sent the post to gossip site Gawker and they did the rest.

Lee resigned. His dreams of public service shredded, like his abs.

Bill Clinton: Tangled Up in Blue

Bill Clinton gets what he wants. Bill Clinton doesn’t get caught. And yet.

Monica Lewinsky was a young girl who fell for a powerful man. She engaged in sexual antics with the president on nine occasions. They would have gotten away with it to if it weren’t for an unlikely confluence of events. After being rugby tossed out of the White House for catching feelings, Lewinsky trusted a new friend at her new job. That friend taped their conversations and convinced Monica to keep a dress the president skeeted on, unwashed.

A Newsweek story on the scandal was spiked at the last minute. Which in any other era would have marked the moment the president was in the clear.

Until some random dude with a website reported on Newsweek scuttling... and the world exploded.

Bill denied but the dirty dress told the tale. An impeachment and failed removal vote ended the ordeal many months later. This would ultimately be remembered as only the SECOND closest Al Gore came to winning the Oval Office.

Mark Sanford: The Happy Trail

Although unsung in the Paul Simon classic, it is clear the 51st way to leave your lover for one South Carolina governor was “engage in a six day fuckfest with your Argentinian side piece on a lark, Mark.”

The story starts eight years prior when Mark Sanford met a woman he fell in love with. She wasn’t his wife Jenny. Sanford and his Argentine muse met a few times in the intervening years. But after the affair was sniffed by Mrs. Sanford, Mark made his move.

Stretching from June 18th to the 24th of 2009 Sanford could not be reached by state or personal phone or email. His staff told reporters that he was hiking the Appalachian Trail. But the truth soon emerged when a reporter caught him coming home on a flight from Buenos Aires. After the air had cleared, he told reporters the woman he saw was his “soulmate.” He and wife Jenny were soon divorced.

Sanford survived a removal effort to his governorship in 2009 and became engaged to Maria Belen Chapur in 2012. In 2013, he won a special election to become a member of the House of Representatives, where he still serves.

He and Chapur broke off their engagement in 2014. But don’t cry for them Argentia… they’ll always have that fantasy walk up the Appalachian Trail.

Newt Gingrich: Double D

Anyone can cheat on their wife. Anyone can marry their mistress. But to do it with the panache of Newt Gingrich? That’s a feat no one in national politics has come close to.

The Newt married his first wife in 1962. He was 19 years old. She was 26 and his former geometry teacher. However, she was the one trying to figure out how to add things up in 1980 when Gingrich visited her in the hospital as she recovered from cancer and he began discussing the terms of their divorce. It later came to light he had already found another flame in Marianne Ginther.

No rake, Gingrich wife’d up Ginther only six months after the ink was dry on his first divorce. But she didn’t want to be a politician’s wife and Gingrich was about to become the most famous Republican since Reagan… soooo… yeah. In 1993 he began an affair with Calista Bisek who was 20 years younger than Newt.

SEVEN YEARS LATER he divorced Ginther and then married Bisek four months after that. In an interview with a Christian broadcaster in 2011, Gingrich chalked up his infidelities to how hard he worked for the future of the United States of America.

For a man who flipped wives like HGTV shows flip houses… that’s a lot of work for the Good Ol’ U S of A.

Alexander Hamilton: Not Throwing Away My Money Shot

(To the tune of “Alexander Hamilton”) Who is the founding father… who got hot and bothered… coughed up some fat stacks to cover up his dick tracks…

Alexander Hamilton!

As is recounted in the famous musical, Alex got tangled up with a comely lass by the name Maira Reynolds. Whilst the two were banging through 1791, Reynolds husband was getting his satisfaction by extorting Hamilton out of hush money. The year long affair cost Hamilton $1,300 but also created a financial bond between himself and Reynolds’ husband who was also busy ripping off a pension for Revolutionary War vets.

An investigation into the pension eventually led to all the skeletons line dancing their way out of the closet. But it also gave Lin Manuel-Miranda an inciting incident to get into the third act.

So cheers to Alexander Hamilton for getting it on in the room where it happened.

Love Children
John Edwards: Sex, Lies and Videotape

Only a campaign that included the historic upset of sure thing candidate Hillary Clinton, the debut of a literal cartoon character in Sarah Palin and the election of the first black president (Barack Obama) could the craziest love child story in presidential race history be relegated to a footnote.

He entered the 2008 Democratic primary with the most conventional pedigree to win AND was married to a famous cancer survivor. But the stirring orator from North Carolina was also stirring the pot of his videographer and mistress, Rielle Hunter. So much so that he left some evidence behind... in the form of a daughter.

The National Enquirer broke the story and the rest of the national media scoffed. That was, until Edwards admitted it. Edwards dropped out, fessed up about the kid and separated from his wife Elizabeth whose cancer had reappeared. Five days later, a report of an explicit sex tape between Edwards and Hunter surfaced.

Although he played second fiddle to John Kerry in the 2004 election, there is no question that the Edwards love child scandal is at the top of the ticket in this bracket.

Grover Cleveland: Where’s My Pa?

Grover Cleveland was the second of two men to walk into the White House as a bachelor. But unlike William King’s “roommate” James Buchanan, there were no questions as to the sexual orientation of the former Governor of New York. That’s because Grover Cleveland was the father of a child in upstate New York and it was about to become a problem.

The mother, Maria Halpern, accused Cleveland of spiriting her to a mental institution at the end of her pregnancy, then separating her from her baby and having it adopted before she even laid eyes on it.

Cleveland, for his part, didn’t deny being on the birth certificate. In fact, he spun it as an act of kindness. Halpern, as his campaign told it, was “free with her affections” amongst a group of Buffalo businessmen. According the Cleveland, when Halpern got pregnant and none of the crew knew who the father was, he stepped up the plate and took control.

Halpern denied the narrative, saying Cleveland knew damn well he was the father.

It did not stop he rise to the presidency. Despite Cleveland opponents chanting “Ma! Ma! Where’s my pa?” it was soon matched with a response from Cleveland boosters… “Off to the White House! Ha! Ha! Ha!”

Strom Thurmond: First!

A 22 year old gets a 16 year old pregnant. Scandalous? Sure.

But what if the father is a young Strom Thurmond, the future firebrand, pro-segregation senator from South Carolina. And what if the mother is his family’s maid’s daughter who happens to be black. What followed was Essie Mae Washington: an author and teacher who only revealed that she was her father’s daughter after Thurmond died at the age of 100.

While Thurmond remained the standard bearer for segregation publicly, he maintained a relationship with his daughter privately. They kept in contact her whole life and Thurmond paid for her education. Washington even said she thought she helped moderate his views somewhat when Thurmond became the first southern senator to nominate an African American for a federal judgeship.

In 2004, a year after Thurmond died, the South Carolina legislature added Essie’s name to monument that listed his children. This forever cemented her part in his legacy.

Jason Miller: Make America Pregnant Again

The year was 2016 and Donald Trump was making an improbable run for the White House with a one-two punch of Twitter hijinx that would be devoured by 24-hour news networks. These were followed by brash surrogates who would “debate” the latest outrage, many times howling right into the commercial break. Two of these Trump supporting cable news talking heads were Jason Miller and A.J. Delgado.

With Miller the senior communications director and Delgado the newly installed senior advisor it was only a matter of time before he installed a baby inside her. The problem? Miller was married. Also, his wife had just found out that she too was expecting.

Things got sour from there, Miller was forced to decline a communications job at the White House after Delgado congratulated him as her “baby daddy” on Twitter.

But while Miller remained in the Trump orbit cashing checks at a kushy job on K-Street, Delgado was exiled. Moving back to her home of Miami and living with her mother, she is no longer employed as a surrogate for the #MAGA movement.

Their baby William was born in July, as the two continued to squabble over child support. Along with the border wall, you can add this little boy to the list of things the Trump movement will probably wind up paying for.